I slept past 10am for the first time in what feels like at least ten years. I was having dreams that Robin was being lured into making bad choices before a tribunal that was obliterating people for making said bad choices. I tried to step in on her behalf, saying she’s only a child, she doesn’t know better, but they didn’t care. She’d made the choice, she had to deal with the consequences, even if it meant obliteration. My dreams can be very literal sometimes. So I took Christina to the pool. I’m glad we spent some time together. I had a lot of fun with her. We went to the library afterwards and she got some books, one of which she has already finished. Then home, where I made another ornament for the advent calendar that may never be finished. And then Billy got the new fire pit working and we all sat around it roasting s’mores. Even Pinot got a little bite of graham cracker. We had to force him outside because we caught him jumping on all the tables in the living room, eating all our crumbs and napkins. Overall, not a bad day. I have to make the most of these free days because there just aren’t enough of them.
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August 23
Not a great picture. I give it a zero. We played Quiddler and I pulled it out against Billy in the very last hand. Alexa even played fanfare music off the scorekeeping app I have on my phone. Billy and Christina didn’t appreciate that much, but I did.
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August 22
I love this wall. Every time I look at it, I see something different. And even though I’ve seen all the photos many times, they evoke different emotions each time. Tonight I looked at pictures of Robin smiling, genuinely smiling, and I find myself wondering if I’ll ever see that smile again. Today she was moody and grumpy all day, wouldn’t speak to anyone, wouldn’t come out of her room, and I don’t know why. I hate that my moods are so inextricably tied to her moods, but it is seeded in a deep and desperate fear that I am going to lose her. If not physically, then emotionally. I have never loved anyone or anything as much as I love Robin and Christina, and the thought of losing her… I truly don’t think I could move on from it. Which makes me think of what I did to my mom, and the guilt starts pouring in. So of course I’m desperate for Robin to be happy. My existence is latched to it. It’s not fair to either of us, but I don’t know how to break the loop. I am dying inside.
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August 21
I had a good talk with Robin (well, to Robin, because she never really said anything other than a barely perceptible nod or shake of the head). I don’t know if it helped her, but I felt better knowing I’d gotten my point across. Now she can make her own decisions and understand exactly where she stands either way. And at practice, I saw her do three back handsprings with a spot. When she had to do one solo, she suddenly had to tie her shoes, but every little bit counts. Maybe this is not the end.
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August 20
I feel so ineffective as a parent. I wish I had someone to give me all the answers, to make this all just a little bit easier. It feels like we’re all groping around in the dark, running into each other and the wall, and no one can find the door or the light switch. I keep hoping to find the answers.
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August 18
My mood is tied too tightly with Robin’s moods. When she is upset, I’m upset. When she’s happy, I’m happy. It’s not just Robin, really, it’s just that her moods vacillate the most. It’s exhausting being Robin.
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August 16
We finally managed to get out to get Robin the ice cream she earned from that epic practice over a week ago. Between our trip to New York and Robin’s strep throat, we just couldn’t make it happen. But it was worth the wait. She even recovered when I told her she has a practice on Sunday.
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August 15
I finally had a day with nothing to do except work. And I did a shit-ton of it, too. Now if I could just get to the pool… I’d be golden.
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August 14
Sleepy dog, sleepy mom. Robin has strep. I think I can sleep for a month.
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August 13
I can’t believe it’s only Tuesday, two days after getting back from New York. In two days, we’ve had the first day of school, physical therapy, Robin’s been sick with a fever, a cardiologist appointment, a dog with a skin infection, the cleaners have been here (not that you can tell anymore), and all the other minutia of life and work and all the rest. I haven’t had time for coffee or the gym in the morning and I sorely miss it. There simply isn’t enough time in my days. I am exhausted, all the time. I don’t need a vacation… I need life to slow down.
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August 11
It was a long day of traveling. We got up at 2am for our 6am flight, which was subsequently delayed four hours, causing us to miss our connection. We had 19 minutes to make the new one, which required going to a separate terminal. Somehow we made it, even though my shoes kept falling off. And then that plane was delayed 20 minutes due to some fuel gauge issue. The people around us on both flights were completely obnoxious. One woman kept poking my seat because her TV screen was broken and she just couldn’t accept it. There was a spider and a woman who refused to sit in her seat near a spider, even if someone did kill it. There was a guy next to me who sang and bounced his leg next to mine for the entire flight while he also sniffled and coughed the whole way. He obviously had a cold. I spent the whole flight trying to avoid his germs. But we finally got to Rosina’s to get the kids, who had a great time, and we made it home by 4:30. The rest of the day was lying on the couch watching the Olympics. I’m so tired.
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August 10
This trip has lived up to every expectation, and I am so grateful to the Universe for obliging me. We ended up not staying for the second game of the doubleheader, but they won the first game big (8-0) and we got to have a great dinner with Siggi and Brett and that was more worth it. They ended up losing the second game big, so obviously we didn’t miss anything .We went to Zaro’s and got black and white cookies, and we went to an Irish pub and watched Olympics and drank beer and honestly it has felt so good to be home. I miss this city with all my heart. I could not live here again with the kids and through the long winters, not to mention how expensive it is, but it feels so good riding the subway and walking through avenues and city blocks. I literally feel at home. Going back to Jacksonville is going to be hard… but we’ll be back.
Year in Photos 