I caught up with Sarah at work today and it was like a breath of fresh air. I needed the reality check. It was otherwise a busy day with not much time for building, which is my new favorite pastime. Then it was therapy and the last NAMI class for this session. I’m so grateful to have the opportunity to lead these classes, but it is always a relief when it’s over. It’s just so hard to fit it into the schedule. I’ve been reading The Calamity Club, which has been taking away from Becoming, by Michelle Obama. I’m a little obsessed with it – I’ve been staying up until ridiculous hours reading and haven’t been able to wake up in the mornings for my runs. Ok, well, that was just today, but still. I still regret lying in bed that extra hour instead of going for that 25-minute run. I will admit that it wasn’t just the lack of sleep that did it today; it was also the weather, which just isn’t appealing to run in. 76 is actually pretty reasonable these days, but still not appealing when I’ve only slept five or six hours. And so goes another Wednesday.
Tag: picture
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August 22
I love this wall. Every time I look at it, I see something different. And even though I’ve seen all the photos many times, they evoke different emotions each time. Tonight I looked at pictures of Robin smiling, genuinely smiling, and I find myself wondering if I’ll ever see that smile again. Today she was moody and grumpy all day, wouldn’t speak to anyone, wouldn’t come out of her room, and I don’t know why. I hate that my moods are so inextricably tied to her moods, but it is seeded in a deep and desperate fear that I am going to lose her. If not physically, then emotionally. I have never loved anyone or anything as much as I love Robin and Christina, and the thought of losing her… I truly don’t think I could move on from it. Which makes me think of what I did to my mom, and the guilt starts pouring in. So of course I’m desperate for Robin to be happy. My existence is latched to it. It’s not fair to either of us, but I don’t know how to break the loop. I am dying inside.
