Christina had the idea to have stadium food while we watched the first Penn State football game of the season. So we did and it was awesome! Also, today Jackson turned 13 and got a hot dog to celebrate, and we played a LOT of Scattergories. A nice Saturday.
Category: August 2024
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August 30
I am officially on vacation. Going nowhere, doing nothing, and I’m so excited. This past week has been crushing at work and I so need a break. I kicked it off by playing the piano for the first time in months. I played Billy Joel songs and Billy (my Billy) even recognized a few of them. Guess I’m not THAT rusty.
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August 29
Summer nights are for roasting marshmallows on the back patio. Even if Robin does pout in the corner and snarl at you every time you talk to her.
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August 28
The merry-go-round continues. This is going to be a long school year. I decided to bow out of the chorus, at least for the first concert until I establish a bit more of a routine. I think that for now, I’d rather be there for my kids for the short amount of time that they’re kids. The chorus will be there later. Or if not that, then something else. Not sure if this is the right choice, but honestly I’m too tired for it anyway. We’ll see.
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August 27
I just sang “Goodnight, My Angel” to Robin because she couldn’t sleep. It’s the first song I’ve sung to her in months. I hope it brings her peace the way it did for me at her age.
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August 26
Someone told me today that I’m doing good parenting. Some days it feels more like it than others. Today was one of the better days.
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August 25
I am struggling with a lot of things, but Robin had no struggles eating this cotton candy at her cheer party.
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August 24
I slept past 10am for the first time in what feels like at least ten years. I was having dreams that Robin was being lured into making bad choices before a tribunal that was obliterating people for making said bad choices. I tried to step in on her behalf, saying she’s only a child, she doesn’t know better, but they didn’t care. She’d made the choice, she had to deal with the consequences, even if it meant obliteration. My dreams can be very literal sometimes. So I took Christina to the pool. I’m glad we spent some time together. I had a lot of fun with her. We went to the library afterwards and she got some books, one of which she has already finished. Then home, where I made another ornament for the advent calendar that may never be finished. And then Billy got the new fire pit working and we all sat around it roasting s’mores. Even Pinot got a little bite of graham cracker. We had to force him outside because we caught him jumping on all the tables in the living room, eating all our crumbs and napkins. Overall, not a bad day. I have to make the most of these free days because there just aren’t enough of them.
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August 23
Not a great picture. I give it a zero. We played Quiddler and I pulled it out against Billy in the very last hand. Alexa even played fanfare music off the scorekeeping app I have on my phone. Billy and Christina didn’t appreciate that much, but I did.
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August 22
I love this wall. Every time I look at it, I see something different. And even though I’ve seen all the photos many times, they evoke different emotions each time. Tonight I looked at pictures of Robin smiling, genuinely smiling, and I find myself wondering if I’ll ever see that smile again. Today she was moody and grumpy all day, wouldn’t speak to anyone, wouldn’t come out of her room, and I don’t know why. I hate that my moods are so inextricably tied to her moods, but it is seeded in a deep and desperate fear that I am going to lose her. If not physically, then emotionally. I have never loved anyone or anything as much as I love Robin and Christina, and the thought of losing her… I truly don’t think I could move on from it. Which makes me think of what I did to my mom, and the guilt starts pouring in. So of course I’m desperate for Robin to be happy. My existence is latched to it. It’s not fair to either of us, but I don’t know how to break the loop. I am dying inside.
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August 21
I had a good talk with Robin (well, to Robin, because she never really said anything other than a barely perceptible nod or shake of the head). I don’t know if it helped her, but I felt better knowing I’d gotten my point across. Now she can make her own decisions and understand exactly where she stands either way. And at practice, I saw her do three back handsprings with a spot. When she had to do one solo, she suddenly had to tie her shoes, but every little bit counts. Maybe this is not the end.
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August 20
I feel so ineffective as a parent. I wish I had someone to give me all the answers, to make this all just a little bit easier. It feels like we’re all groping around in the dark, running into each other and the wall, and no one can find the door or the light switch. I keep hoping to find the answers.
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August 18
My mood is tied too tightly with Robin’s moods. When she is upset, I’m upset. When she’s happy, I’m happy. It’s not just Robin, really, it’s just that her moods vacillate the most. It’s exhausting being Robin.
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August 17
Days at the pool are running out. I was sad that Robin wouldn’t come with us. Someday maybe we’ll have our own pool.
Year in Photos 