Patio Project

Fly-Free Outdoor Dining

What started as a simple idea turned into massive undertaking with delightful results.

The Story

As a New York City to Florida migrant, I had a few requirements on my list: laundry that didn’t require quarters or leaving my home, weather that never reached single digits or required a snow plow, lower cost of living, proximity to family, and private outdoor space to make my own. Our house checked all the boxes.

How It Started

We talked about extending our patio with fancy stone pavers surrounded by lush, tropical gardens or maybe even adding a screened-in lanai. We bought a grill and a fire pit. However, after 13 years, our patio still looked like this. We loved eating dinner outside, but it turns out so do flies. After years of quiet contemplation and a healthy dose of laziness, I finally decided to do something about it. I bought a $200 screened-in tent to put around our dining set.

The Fateful Error

Turns out the tent didn’t fit on the patio. No big deal. I figured I’d put some pavers around the edges and it’d look nice enough. Then I made my fatal mistake: I asked ChatGPT how to do it. Before I knew it, I had ordered 10.6 tons of building materials.

The problem with buying 10.6 tons of building material is that you have to move 10.6 tons of building material. And you have to do it in two days if you want the continued use of your garage.

Construction

Construction involved excavation, laying and compacting a gravel foundation, leveling and placing pavers, and finishing work like installing edging and locking joints with polymeric sand. I bought and used tools without always knowing their intended purpose, including fantastic $10 work gloves that lasted exactly as long as this project. They have solidified with sweat, gravel base, sand, and humidity and now have convenient air holes in the fingers.

Adventure Abounds

We removed a 4-inch-wide, 16-foot-long tree root. I operated a plate compactor, twice. I spent hours perfecting slope using string lines that Jackson tore down in six dramatic seconds that somehow left me feeling worse for him than for myself. I had to buy and move an additional six tons of gravel. The second time that happened, I considered selling the house and moving to a place with a finished patio. I had to do every step twice, sometimes more. And I did it all without therapy.

What’s Next

I spent all our furniture money on gravel. That’s unfortunate because we stacked our existing furniture in the corner under an eave during construction and it corroded and grew things. There are rust holes in the table, mold on the cushions, and some of the feet of the fire pit chairs have rusted off. I bought a tablecloth and some cushion covers and put the most intact chairs around the fire pit. I also started a Pinterest board for when the bank account recovers. In the meantime, we have this. I’m pleased.

By the Numbers

177 days from start to finish
289 square feet constructed
443 square feet finished
132 square feet in an average bedroom
32 hours: Christina’s estimate of physical labor
130 hours: actual physical labor
16.5 tons of material moved
5 tons: average weight of an elephant
3 blackened toenails
16-foot pine tree root removed
4 excavated antique tools
+1 cinder block
3 hours to put up string lines
6 seconds for Jackson to tear down string lines
2 compactor rentals
3 times I ran out of gravel
14x original budget spent

Before and After

I had to do every step of this project at least twice. When I thought I’d finished digging, I realized I measured incorrectly. When I thought I’d finished laying and compacting gravel, I realized I needed yet another lift. When I thought I’d finished putting down the first section of pavers, I realized they weren’t level. When I thought I’d finished putting down all the pavers, I realized I had still measured incorrectly and had to dig and lay gravel and compact it all over again. I finally started taking some before and afters.

I did the edging three times. I bought the right size but installed it incorrectly, then bought the wrong size and it didn’t line up, and finally used the original size as intended.

I put down polymeric sand twice. I didn’t have a shop broom so I used a broom resembling Animal from the Muppets. All the sand washed away during curing. I ended up using a dustpan broom one joint at a time.

If I had known what this project would cost in time, effort, and money, I probably wouldn’t have done it. But then we wouldn’t have this.

Coming Soon:
The Lawn Project