Someone told me today that I’m doing good parenting. Some days it feels more like it than others. Today was one of the better days.
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August 25
I am struggling with a lot of things, but Robin had no struggles eating this cotton candy at her cheer party.
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August 24
I slept past 10am for the first time in what feels like at least ten years. I was having dreams that Robin was being lured into making bad choices before a tribunal that was obliterating people for making said bad choices. I tried to step in on her behalf, saying she’s only a child, she doesn’t know better, but they didn’t care. She’d made the choice, she had to deal with the consequences, even if it meant obliteration. My dreams can be very literal sometimes. So I took Christina to the pool. I’m glad we spent some time together. I had a lot of fun with her. We went to the library afterwards and she got some books, one of which she has already finished. Then home, where I made another ornament for the advent calendar that may never be finished. And then Billy got the new fire pit working and we all sat around it roasting s’mores. Even Pinot got a little bite of graham cracker. We had to force him outside because we caught him jumping on all the tables in the living room, eating all our crumbs and napkins. Overall, not a bad day. I have to make the most of these free days because there just aren’t enough of them.
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August 23
Not a great picture. I give it a zero. We played Quiddler and I pulled it out against Billy in the very last hand. Alexa even played fanfare music off the scorekeeping app I have on my phone. Billy and Christina didn’t appreciate that much, but I did.
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August 22
I love this wall. Every time I look at it, I see something different. And even though I’ve seen all the photos many times, they evoke different emotions each time. Tonight I looked at pictures of Robin smiling, genuinely smiling, and I find myself wondering if I’ll ever see that smile again. Today she was moody and grumpy all day, wouldn’t speak to anyone, wouldn’t come out of her room, and I don’t know why. I hate that my moods are so inextricably tied to her moods, but it is seeded in a deep and desperate fear that I am going to lose her. If not physically, then emotionally. I have never loved anyone or anything as much as I love Robin and Christina, and the thought of losing her… I truly don’t think I could move on from it. Which makes me think of what I did to my mom, and the guilt starts pouring in. So of course I’m desperate for Robin to be happy. My existence is latched to it. It’s not fair to either of us, but I don’t know how to break the loop. I am dying inside.
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August 21
I had a good talk with Robin (well, to Robin, because she never really said anything other than a barely perceptible nod or shake of the head). I don’t know if it helped her, but I felt better knowing I’d gotten my point across. Now she can make her own decisions and understand exactly where she stands either way. And at practice, I saw her do three back handsprings with a spot. When she had to do one solo, she suddenly had to tie her shoes, but every little bit counts. Maybe this is not the end.
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August 20
I feel so ineffective as a parent. I wish I had someone to give me all the answers, to make this all just a little bit easier. It feels like we’re all groping around in the dark, running into each other and the wall, and no one can find the door or the light switch. I keep hoping to find the answers.
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August 18
My mood is tied too tightly with Robin’s moods. When she is upset, I’m upset. When she’s happy, I’m happy. It’s not just Robin, really, it’s just that her moods vacillate the most. It’s exhausting being Robin.
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August 16
We finally managed to get out to get Robin the ice cream she earned from that epic practice over a week ago. Between our trip to New York and Robin’s strep throat, we just couldn’t make it happen. But it was worth the wait. She even recovered when I told her she has a practice on Sunday.
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August 15
I finally had a day with nothing to do except work. And I did a shit-ton of it, too. Now if I could just get to the pool… I’d be golden.
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August 14
Sleepy dog, sleepy mom. Robin has strep. I think I can sleep for a month.
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August 13
I can’t believe it’s only Tuesday, two days after getting back from New York. In two days, we’ve had the first day of school, physical therapy, Robin’s been sick with a fever, a cardiologist appointment, a dog with a skin infection, the cleaners have been here (not that you can tell anymore), and all the other minutia of life and work and all the rest. I haven’t had time for coffee or the gym in the morning and I sorely miss it. There simply isn’t enough time in my days. I am exhausted, all the time. I don’t need a vacation… I need life to slow down.
Year in Photos 