• August 18

    I am on the brink. Today was hard. But now it’s the weekend. Time to turn things around.

    August 18
  • August 17

    I took Robin to the doctor today and Robin told him she’d keep going to cheer, at least for now. My heart hurts for her. And I am just completely burned out. I am drowning in work and trying to keep the house afloat while Billy is at work and at football practice and at the gym. And I’m trying to keep up with church obligations and bills and returning texts and phone calls. I knit for an hour at night and read for 45 minutes in the morning and that’s all I get after pouring my heart into everything else. I have to cut back somewhere. I just don’t know where. Everything feels important. And I don’t know who can do it instead. But something’s going to break somewhere. I’ve got to decide what’s most important and put the rest to the side.

    August 17
  • August 16

    I finally got a little bit out of my routine. I walked to school to pick up the kids, and I took Christina to buy sneakers, she having been told that the boots we just bought her wouldn’t cut it for gym. I don’t know if it helped much, but I guess it’s a step.

    August 16
  • August 15

    Robin refused to go to her tumbling class, saying nothing more than she didn’t want to. There were a lot of tears, mostly my own. I’m not sure I ever cried in front of her before. She finally told me why, and now at least I know what to do next. I don’t know if it will work, but at least I’ll try. I ache for her.

    August 15
  • August 14

    Today was the first day of school. It seemed to go pretty well. No one came home miserable, at least. Robin had a panic attack at cheer. She is feeling enormous pressure to do well on her team, which is both in her head and not in her head. I’m trying to help her build up more self confidence so that she can feel the pressure as a form of encouragement rather than criticism. I don’t want her to give up what she loves because she doesn’t feel she’s good enough. Of course she’s good enough. Now to get her to believe it.

    August 14
  • August 13

    Christina is both excited and nervous for the first day of school. Probably more nervous than excited. Worried about where she’ll go when she gets to her classroom, whether she’ll have any friends in her class, whether she’ll ever see Kiley again… I tried my best to ease her mind, but you know how anxiety is. At least we have table-top curling to take our minds off things. She was a little exuberant with her stones. This one went flying across the room.

    August 13
  • August 12

    Robin’s friend came over for a sleepover, so I felt it was good to spend some extra time with Christina. We went out for ice cream and played table-top curling. That’s right, table-top curling. I spend so much time with Robin because she really needs the extra support, but I need to be better about spending time with Christina too. I think a Christina date is in order soon.

    August 12
  • August 11

    I need to find more time for myself to do things I enjoy. It has been so hot, though. I really can’t go out hiking. So I have been very listless. I have so much on my mind and I’m starting to avoid it and just block it out. Not sure that is the right approach. I think I’m blocking out everything.

    August 11
  • August 10

    Tonight was teacher meet and greets at the kids’ school and boy did the kids run straight for Ms. LaTanya. And boy did she not just stop everything she was doing to embrace them. I’m sure there are lots of great schools out there, but I doubt if any of them could ever feel as much a part of our family as this one. Christina’s best friend isn’t in her class this year (oh the DEVASTATION), but she was off the walls crazy excited nonetheless. Robin’s BFF is in her class, so yay for that! She feels better now that she’s seen all her classrooms and met all her teachers, all of whom seem incredibly nice. They’re both excited for school to start. We’ll see what happens by this time next week.

    August 10
  • August 9

    I did something today. Leaving it at that for now. I am full of self-doubt. As a parent, a wife, an employee, a human… How do you know if you’re helping your kids or wrecking them? How do you convey love when you keep doing stupid shit that seems to say otherwise? How do you keep the sink from filling with dirty dishes? How do you solve the world’s problems? Why do I just sit on the couch when I’m not working, instead of doing something productive? Tonight we went down the list: Daddy is an expert in the art of football, Christina is an expert in the art of dance, Robin is an expert in the art of cheer, and Mommy is an expert in the art of… and no one could come up with anything. That’s both sad and telling. Robin did eventually say I’m an expert in the art of loving, and I guess that’s at least a good sign on the parenting front. Better than nothing.

    August 9
  • August 8

    I didn’t realize how addicted to the iPads the girls have become. They literally don’t know what to do with themselves without it and will do almost anything for a fix. Withdrawal is real – when I cut them off, they immediately started fighting – truly hurtful things were said. I did at least set this boundary today: no one gets any extra iPad time at all while I’m working. All accrued time will be reviewed and adjudicated after I’m done working. And now they need to look up the word adjudicate.

    August 8
  • August 7

    I got a lot of work done today. I don’t say that too often. I also took a tiny little step forward today on something I’ve been thinking about for a very long time. It’s a step so tiny you almost can’t even see it, but it’s a step nonetheless. Now I will probably lie awake for the next three hours ruminating over it while I try to sleep.

    August 7
  • August 6

    Today was the first session of the NAMI Family to Family class I am co-facilitating. It’s my third time teaching it. I forget how vulnerable these family members are, how raw and new it all is for them, how deep in crisis they had to be to get here. It’s been more than a decade since I was in a similar situation, and the pain of love is very real in that room. I don’t know if I do this program justice. I hope it helps. I feel very self-aware in that room, that anything I say could make or ruin someone’s day, week, year. I just go and do my best and hope I say something worth hearing. I wanted very much to do this and even now, almost ten years after my mom died, it’s still very hard to do. I’m beaten and battered and still facing a storm. But then I guess we’re all weathering this thing together. If nothing else, in that room, for those few hours, we are not alone.

    August 6
  • August 5

    Christina had a birthday party to go to today, so I took Robin to go shopping for school clothes. As we were leaving the parking lot, I noticed a Subway across the street that I’d never noticed before and so Robin and I got a special mother-daughter lunch together. These are the little things I remember about my mom and I hope Robin appreciates the one on one time with me as much as I did with my mom. If not, well, maybe a sandwich is really just a sandwich. And I guess that’s ok too.

    August 5
  • August 4

    Life today was basically work and recovering from work. Billy didn’t sleep much today, so he slept through dinner all the way until he had to leave for work, so I really never saw him today. I’ve set time limits on the girls’ iPads and now they are doing all sorts of things to earn extra time – washing the car, cleaning out their closets, picking up dog poop in the yard… This new iPad thing might be a really good investment after all.

    August 4