Back to work today, and not a minute to myself. When you eat a bowl of cereal at 4:30 and that’s actually still your breakfast, you’re doing something wrong. Finally at dance and the sun is setting and there’s a little breeze and it’s not too hot and I have a book to read and there can be worse things than reading a book at sunset with a soft breeze in your car while your daughter’s at dance class.
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September 1
I’m a little sad after our trip. I wish I felt closer to Rob and his family. I felt comfortable with them all weekend, more than I expected, but since coming home, all I can think of is them talking about me and how fucked up my kids and I are. I can’t help comparing myself to him and feeling like I don’t measure up. He has money and a beautiful wife and happy children and the passion to follow an impossible dream with unending confidence. I don’t know what it is that I think I have to prove to him or anyone, or why I should feel ashamed of my Jimi Hendrix muscle shirt or the fucking fact that I wear glasses. (Seriously, this is something I felt was a defect he’d judge.) It comes from an old hurt I’ve felt for many, many years. I never felt I compared to Rob. He always had friends and made funnier movies than me and told better stories. People always just liked him better. But I love this picture, and I love him whether he appreciates it or not. I backed away from Mom out of fear and I live with that regret every day. I do not want the same regrets with Rob. I guess he’s stuck with me and my Hendrix shirt and my kids who won’t talk to him and my couch with three legs and the Maltese who shits in the house. He could do worse.
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August 31
We had a great day with Rob and his family. We walked around downtown Greenville and had lunch, then went to the pool (brrrr… but Bobby had so much fun swimming back and forth across the entire length of the pool for close to an hour), played with bubbles, had dinner, played Hungry Hungry Hippos, and called it a night. There was a moment at the pool where everyone (well, almost everyone) was in the water playing and I thought about how much Mom would have loved to be there. This, I think, was her dream, and I so regret that we couldn’t make it happen for her. But… I’m glad we made the dream happen anyway, even if she wasn’t here to enjoy it, because it HAS been special. And honestly it has taken too long to make it happen. It’s time to do better.
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August 30
More than a year after they moved here, I finally managed to come up and see Rob and Danielle. It was a long drive through more than a hundred miles of relentlessly pouring, torrential rain, but it was so good to see them today, and Bobby and Hailey. They are adorable. Looking forward to the rest of this weekend.
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August 29
I had half a summer flex day to use at work today before losing it, so I packed up my paddleboard with the intention of going after my morning run. I left the gym and turned toward the creek to find THIS in front of me. Looking the other way was sunshine. I decided not to chance it, unsure whether I was wimping out or if it was a legitimate pass. Five minutes after I got home, it started raining. Glad I trusted my gut, but super annoyed I ended up wasting my day off from work to sit at home in the rain. I’ll keep trying.
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August 28
My alarm has been waking me up out of deep sleep every morning, which has left me exhausted all day. I much prefer waking up naturally. I was too tired to really do much today. I think the wonderful manic streak I was on has officially ended. I’m not a fan.
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August 27
I’m getting a little better with the beadwork, though I still have a ways to go. The beads I have are not uniform in size, so making a pattern work well is pretty much impossible. But I learned about the difference between threads and the kinds of tools to use, and these earrings hold up much better than the first pair I made. I want to make more!
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August 26
I made the most amazing alfredo sauce tonight. It is like 496 points on Weight Watchers and worth every ounce I gain as a result. I am sitting in the parking lot at dance and all I can think about is going home and having more of it. Sometimes I amaze even myself.
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August 25
Christina officially started her new dance season today. She’s already talking about next year and not doing team so she can do other things too. I don’t blame her. She’ll literally be dancing six days a week. But she loves her pre-pointe class, so that’s good.
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August 24
I was angry at Robin, but now I’m sad because I can see that a lot of her behavior stems from her own sadness and helplessness. She doesn’t know what to do because nothing she does makes her happy. And in the midst of not being able to find joy in her life, Billy and I yell at her for things she already hates herself for. Not eating, not taking care of her teeth, spending too much time on her phone, spending too much time alone in her room. They’re symptoms of something else, not something to write off as “teenager.” I am sad as hell because I don’t know how to help her. I feel like the more I try to help, the more I push her away. And then I get angry because I feel like she hates me, when all I’m trying to do is love her. I am genuinely afraid of losing her to depression. I feel like it’s my fault, that I should never have let it get to this point, that I should have saved her, that I had so many opportunities over the years and failed. And it’s not really about me, but it kind of is, because I’m part of the relationship too. And Billy, and Christina. There must be hope somewhere.
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August 23
Christina had dance pictures at Jax Beach today, so I woke up early to get her there. There was a surf competition going on at the same time, which was kind of cool. By the time we got home, the skies were black and rain was pouring down. It was otherwise a pretty dull day, with the clear exception of dinner with Lauren and Monica, which involved a LOT of laughing and a very heavy dose of sarcasm, which just fills my heart with happiness. There was also beer, and I like that too. I still feel like I could sleep for a month.
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August 22
It was a pretty low-key day. I’m finally more caught up at work and ready to start kicking ass. Made a nice dinner of chicken and olive artichoke tapenade, yum. Did a crossword puzzle and basically chilled out. Nice way to end a week.
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August 21
Christina had a rough walk home from school. She somehow missed the walkers group and got left behind. Picked her up on the side of the road just before a storm and she was in tears. Poor thing. The other kid had photography club and seemed to like it. Need to get her into something… she is sliding into isolation and bad habits again. Billy and I are trying to be more present – and persistent – with her. Pretty sure she hates it. I guess that means we’re doing the right thing.
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August 20
I ran 31 minutes today, which is the longest I’ve run since starting to run again. I didn’t want to. I even came all the way home before deciding to go back to the gym. I wanted to give up at least four times, including with two minutes left. But I did it. Could I do it again? Of course I could. Will I? That’s another question. My next long run is supposed to be four miles, which I think is hilarious because I haven’t even managed to run three miles. We’ll see. Any amount of running is a success. Today just showing up at all was a win. And that I did.
Year in Photos 