Had to do some parenting today. I’m not sure I’ve been terribly effective with it. It’s so hard to know what to say or what to do when you don’t know what’s going on in someone else’s head. For now I’m giving space and hoping it helps.
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May 19
I took the day off from work to edit photos, and I did so for almost seven hours before my laptop battery died. I am not great with Photoshop. I’m sort of making it up as I go and hoping it doesn’t look too obvious that I tampered with the photos when people print them. Removing people from photos is tedious and difficult, especially when they are standing in front of bushes, fences, and palm trees. Why were they even there in the first place? How dare they go to the beach and invade my photo shoot? But, at least when I’m editing, I’m too focused on that to feel anxious and nauseated. That’s something.
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May 18
Surely not two days in a row… Today it took over and hour to go less than three miles from school to dance class. Apparently the holdup has been a water main break that shut the whole road down for almost two days. They opened up one lane today, so I could see the huge gaping hole in the road where they were digging to repair the pipe. Christina made it to the last ten minutes of her class, at least. And if that wasn’t enough, it took Billy 50 minutes to drive two miles to Publix to buy dessert for dinner tonight. Because they’ve also shut down a main road that requires a detour through one of what is already one of the busiest stretches of road in Mandarin. Longest mile ever.
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May 17
This is the only photo I took yesterday and it is terrible. I was on my way to a meeting that is actually being held NEXT Wednesday. They had shut down an entire exit just before the bridge and it caused unbelievable rush hour traffic. I realized my mistake just after getting off the bridge and turned right around back onto the highway. A 12-mile drive ended up taking one hour and forty-five minutes. For a meeting that is next week. I just turned the music up and sang.
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May 15
The endless anxiety continues. I flaked on booking our summer camping reservations at Acadia and now there’s nothing available. That’s not helping my mood. Trying Natural Calm and taking walks outside with the dogs. Been editing photos from a shoot with the cheer team a week or so ago. I’m glad to have an outlet.
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May 14
The team came in second place by 0.1 point. Had they not had that one deduction, they would not only have won their division, but their entire level. What a difference from the start of the season. Also Robin did so well on her end of year testing at school. So freaking proud of my kids.
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May 13
The girls did so great at their competition today. The coach said they scored over 90, which is way above their previous high score. It’s still quite low compared to their competition, but they’ve come from a score in the 60s at the start of the season to here, and that is a really big deal.
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May 10
I decided to go to the park while the girls were at cheer practice, thinking I’d read under a tree, but then I thought why not a short hike? I figured I’d be done in 45 minutes, well before sunset and when I’d have to leave to get the kids. Except I miscalculated the distance. I did two trails which I thought were a mile and a half combined. Actually it was a mile and a half for one trail and three quarters of a mile for the other. I had dawdled at the beginning thinking I had tons of time, but the last 20 minutes were rather speedy. I’m glad Christina wasn’t with me, because she would have freaked about hiking in the dark. Who knows what lurks in the shadows?
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May 9
My stomach unclenched for the first time in over a week today. It’s the first time I felt hungry since last Monday. It hasn’t been consistent, but it’s the first bit of relief I’ve had in what feels like forever. Also today: I spent 40 minutes in line to pick up a prescription from Walgreen’s. That was time I had been planning to spend outside watching the sun set. Whyyyyyy?
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May 8
Oh my god the last week has felt interminably impossible. I really thought today would turn the tide, but there’s been no relief at all. Anxiety has its hooks deep in my heart and stomach and lungs and it’s literally painful. Eating hurts, breathing hurts. I’m ready for a break.
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May 7
It turned out to be a good trip. I made a kick-ass fire and sat watching it until almost midnight. And then we did some hiking along the river. We saw a couple of bunnies on the trail, too. The weather was perfect, no bugs. I’m glad we did it.
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May 6
I got a call on Friday night while we were sitting at dinner saying that we hadn’t shown up for our camping reservation, so here’s the gate code so you can get in after hours. I thought I had cancelled that reservation months ago. My first inclination was to go ahead and cancel the second night. We hadn’t planned on it, Billy had to work… But then I thought, why not? So we did.
Year in Photos 