I rocked this morning’s 5k. I finished in under 40 minutes, by far my best finishing time since coming back to running last year. I didn’t quite make it running the whole way, but it was pretty darn close. I am so proud of myself and the effort and work and patience that went into it. I feel amazing. The rest of the day was pretty productive. Made three octopuses and four napkins, went food shopping, cleaned the kitchen, did laundry… And now I am exhausted!
Tag: caitlin
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October 18
I ran my first 5k race since the spring today. After a whole bunch of great runs, I had built this one up in my head, big-time. Before the race even started, I was crying tears of joy imagining myself crossing the finish line after running the whole race without waking. But then I couldn’t even make it to the one-mile mark without walking. I finished with a dismal 43-minute finishing time. BUT: Until I looked at my finishing time, I was really happy with the race. Even though I stopped to walk a lot, I felt strong the whole way. The weather was incredible and the scenery was great, and I truly enjoyed myself. And I RAN the last quarter mile. My pace was GOOD and I felt pumped when I finished. In all those ways, the race was a success. And then I got home and realized why my performance had been so terrible. As I pulled into the driveway, I started having double vision. It was so disorienting that I could barely walk straight. I started thinking about what could have caused it and then I remembered, dear god, I didn’t eat anything today. And then I ran three miles after not eating anything. And then I had a beer at the finish line. I don’t know how I went the whole day without eating. I almost didn’t believe it as I tried to remember what I ate, because I never felt hungry. I did have a little tunafish sandwich, but that was it. That’ll do it, folks. So lesson learned: Do not run a race without eating for almost 24 hours and then drink a beer at the end.
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October 7
My day started out great and kind of slowly went downhill from there. It hasn’t been a bad day, it just went from great to meh very, very slowly. I woke up early and did a speed run outside, which I never do. I pretty much exclusively run on the treadmill. But this particular run didn’t work on the treadmill because the splits were too fast. It worked really well on the street. I finished feeling PUMPED UP. I had time to shower before work, which also left me energized, and then, well… work. It wasn’t a bad day by any means, but it slowly let the air out of my great mood. And now everyone else has gone to bed and I never really had a chance to be with them and I just feel kind of lonely and sad. I do think I need to do more outdoor running. That is going to require some creative scheduling. It’s not the first time I’ve had to shift things around, but it never feels easy when I do. For now, though, I think it’s time to call it a day. Lying in bed with my headphones on just feels like a nice way to end the day.
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September 18
Got my senior leadership presentation revamped in light of our reorg and I feel pretty good about it. At the very least, it’s the best I can do. I’m falling behind in the meantime, but what else is new. Robin called me while I was on a conference call and I thought she was dying because Robin never calls me from school. She wanted me to bring her a snack. Yeah, no. Next time bring one with you, or better yet, pack yourself a lunch. She came home starving, but that’s the way it goes. Took Christina to dance and had to sit on a bench outside in the sun since I can’t roll the newly tinted windows in my car down for another couple days. It was hot. (But not as hot as it was in the car!) Billy made yummy chili for dinner and then we watched football, and then what else… went back to work. But now I’m tired and tomorrow is yet another long day.
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September 16
More change at work. I’ve spent a lot of time over the last few weeks perfecting a pitch for restructuring my team and now it’s all out the window because the rest of the organization changed first. I will have yet another new leader, and who knows what will happen after that. I’m a little sad. Change can definitely be good, but the unknown is scary. And all the long months between now and change feel endless, because my team is in need NOW. Guess we’ll get out the box of Band Aids again.
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September 10
I made the mistake of looking at the training materials we are using at work. Cannot unsee! My colleague suggested I trash it and ask ChatGPT to rewrite it for me. Man, I don’t know what it is, but I hate the idea of being shown up by AI. But… we’ll see what it can do.
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September 7
I took the girls to the mall with their friends. Robin got to go alone and had an absolute great time. She didn’t want to leave, which makes me so happy. Christina also had a great time, but had to stick with me. I guess there are worse things. I was good and didn’t buy much, but I did need some things for an upcoming work trip, so came home and spent it all on Amazon. Oh well.
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September 4
Not surprisingly, I am exhausted today after staying up so late last night. I seriously considered not taking the kids to school so I could sleep in, but I sucked it up and got them there anyway. It was a tough day made tougher by back to back meetings literally ALL DAY LONG with zero breaks. After all that, we decided the hell with dinner and we went out to Picasso’s. It was so yummy, and everyone was in a good mood if only a little tired, and we had a lot of fun. I now want to sleep for two weeks.
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September 1
I’m a little sad after our trip. I wish I felt closer to Rob and his family. I felt comfortable with them all weekend, more than I expected, but since coming home, all I can think of is them talking about me and how fucked up my kids and I are. I can’t help comparing myself to him and feeling like I don’t measure up. He has money and a beautiful wife and happy children and the passion to follow an impossible dream with unending confidence. I don’t know what it is that I think I have to prove to him or anyone, or why I should feel ashamed of my Jimi Hendrix muscle shirt or the fucking fact that I wear glasses. (Seriously, this is something I felt was a defect he’d judge.) It comes from an old hurt I’ve felt for many, many years. I never felt I compared to Rob. He always had friends and made funnier movies than me and told better stories. People always just liked him better. But I love this picture, and I love him whether he appreciates it or not. I backed away from Mom out of fear and I live with that regret every day. I do not want the same regrets with Rob. I guess he’s stuck with me and my Hendrix shirt and my kids who won’t talk to him and my couch with three legs and the Maltese who shits in the house. He could do worse.
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August 30
More than a year after they moved here, I finally managed to come up and see Rob and Danielle. It was a long drive through more than a hundred miles of relentlessly pouring, torrential rain, but it was so good to see them today, and Bobby and Hailey. They are adorable. Looking forward to the rest of this weekend.
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August 28
My alarm has been waking me up out of deep sleep every morning, which has left me exhausted all day. I much prefer waking up naturally. I was too tired to really do much today. I think the wonderful manic streak I was on has officially ended. I’m not a fan.
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August 18
I’m becoming obsessed with the idea of beading. It’s all I want to do. I learned how to make daisy chains today. I have all these ideas for jewelry I will never wear, and I don’t care. I’ll just make it, and someone will wear it… or not. That’s fine, too.
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August 2
Today we spent the afternoon helping inspect and sort food donations with Feeding Northeast Florida. After all of the amazing things we have been privileged to do lately, it felt like something we had to pay forward. It was a fulfilling experience, and I can’t wait to sign up again.
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July 31
I met up with my chorus carpool for the first time in what must be at least a year. We had dinner out and it was nice. So much to catch up on! It was great to see them, but work has been so stressful that it was hard for me to relax and enjoy myself. Last night I had a dream that the Amex CEO called me into his office for a performance evaluation and he spent the whole time trying to assure me that I’m doing a good job. That is so sad. But at least he’s on my side.
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July 19
My latest knitting project. I wish it was just a little bit longer. The threads keep popping out too. The yarn is very smooth and isn’t holding knots. We’ll see how many times I get to wear this one before it falls apart. Christina had dance intensives today, all day, and then we had dinner with Colleen. I definitely need something to do. I am bored!
