I’m a little sad after our trip. I wish I felt closer to Rob and his family. I felt comfortable with them all weekend, more than I expected, but since coming home, all I can think of is them talking about me and how fucked up my kids and I are. I can’t help comparing myself to him and feeling like I don’t measure up. He has money and a beautiful wife and happy children and the passion to follow an impossible dream with unending confidence. I don’t know what it is that I think I have to prove to him or anyone, or why I should feel ashamed of my Jimi Hendrix muscle shirt or the fucking fact that I wear glasses. (Seriously, this is something I felt was a defect he’d judge.) It comes from an old hurt I’ve felt for many, many years. I never felt I compared to Rob. He always had friends and made funnier movies than me and told better stories. People always just liked him better. But I love this picture, and I love him whether he appreciates it or not. I backed away from Mom out of fear and I live with that regret every day. I do not want the same regrets with Rob. I guess he’s stuck with me and my Hendrix shirt and my kids who won’t talk to him and my couch with three legs and the Maltese who shits in the house. He could do worse.
Tag: caitlin
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August 30
More than a year after they moved here, I finally managed to come up and see Rob and Danielle. It was a long drive through more than a hundred miles of relentlessly pouring, torrential rain, but it was so good to see them today, and Bobby and Hailey. They are adorable. Looking forward to the rest of this weekend.
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August 28
My alarm has been waking me up out of deep sleep every morning, which has left me exhausted all day. I much prefer waking up naturally. I was too tired to really do much today. I think the wonderful manic streak I was on has officially ended. I’m not a fan.
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August 18
I’m becoming obsessed with the idea of beading. It’s all I want to do. I learned how to make daisy chains today. I have all these ideas for jewelry I will never wear, and I don’t care. I’ll just make it, and someone will wear it… or not. That’s fine, too.
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August 2
Today we spent the afternoon helping inspect and sort food donations with Feeding Northeast Florida. After all of the amazing things we have been privileged to do lately, it felt like something we had to pay forward. It was a fulfilling experience, and I can’t wait to sign up again.
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July 31
I met up with my chorus carpool for the first time in what must be at least a year. We had dinner out and it was nice. So much to catch up on! It was great to see them, but work has been so stressful that it was hard for me to relax and enjoy myself. Last night I had a dream that the Amex CEO called me into his office for a performance evaluation and he spent the whole time trying to assure me that I’m doing a good job. That is so sad. But at least he’s on my side.
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July 19
My latest knitting project. I wish it was just a little bit longer. The threads keep popping out too. The yarn is very smooth and isn’t holding knots. We’ll see how many times I get to wear this one before it falls apart. Christina had dance intensives today, all day, and then we had dinner with Colleen. I definitely need something to do. I am bored!
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July 17
Someone asked me to prove I need another person on my team. I’m hoping the data I have proves I need two. It feels like I need five. At this point I’d be grateful just for sympathy.
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July 9
I don’t know if I feel nauseous because I have a bug bite on my toe that’s turning black, because I’m completely stressed out at work, or because I ate something funky, but I do know I need to go to bed and be done with all of it for the day.
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July 6
Did some gardening today. I think I ended up wearing most of what I cleaned up. Also today: food shopping, finished my laundry, lost at Harry Potter again, made baked ziti for dinner, knitted a lot. Days off never seem to last long enough.
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June 28
We made it to somewhere in Georgia today after sitting in two hours of Atlanta traffic. The traffic was made less tedious by a podcast by the man who narrated our riverboat tour in New Orleans. We learned about the history of rum and then the history of Santa Claus! It was much better than listening to the YANKEES GAME in which the Yankees were having their asses handed to them on a stick. For dinner tonight, we walked across the Target parking lot to the Golden Corral, which I didn’t even know still exists. There is also an REI in the Target plaza, which means we’ve surely forgotten something that we won’t buy there now but will wish we had when we discover tomorrow that we’ve forgotten it. All in all, today is better than yesterday. Ready to enjoy my last night on a mattress and within reach of a shower for a few days.
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June 27
We are leaving on vacation tomorrow and somehow there are ten million things to do today. Drop off and pick up kids from two camps, drop off Jackson’s urine sample at the vet (which they almost didn’t even take), pick up a mug we painted for Billy last week, do laundry, fold clothes, sort and pack camping gear, pack clothes, take Christina to dance, make and eat dinner, work (oh yeah, that), get cash for my nephews who are watching the dogs for us, go to the store for last-minute supplies, clean the kitchen, sweep up all the dog hair all over the house, clean the bathroom……. Seriously? In one day? I ended up working from 8:30-10pm to make up for everything I didn’t do while driving all over Jacksonville. I am stressed and exhausted. Someday, going on vacation will be what it’s supposed to be – relaxing. We’ll see.
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June 23
I ran two miles today, which feels as significant an accomplishment to me as climbing to the top of a mountain with no shoes on. It’s not like I haven’t run two miles before, but I haven’t run two miles and felt good about it when I was done. I’m not saying it was EASY, or that I loved every minute of it, or even that I WANTED to run the whole way, but I felt good about my effort the whole time. I enjoyed the run I got, even though it wasn’t perfect. I hit the reset button a few weeks ago, tried something new, and it’s paying off. It feels so good to run for the joy of it and not because I HAVE to hit a target or die trying. And I am consequently achieving more than I was before. It’s the first time I can ever remember enjoying a workout. I can’t wait for the next run.
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June 22
It’s embarrassing how infrequently we go to the beach when it is as close to us as it is. But we made it today for a record-setting hour and a half. Too much longer than that and the sand would have been scalding to walk back to the car on. Next time we go, I will have to suck it up and go earlier before the sun tries to murder my feet. It was so refreshing in the ocean. I kinda can’t wait to go back.
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June 15
It was a weird Father’s Day. Billy’s been sick, so he didn’t even get out of bed until noon. It was mostly just a day to get chores done while he laid on the couch. Laundry, food shopping, house cleaning. Christina and I did bake cannoli cookies for him, but somehow I completely forgot one of the most important ingredients and never added the pistachios. How disappointing! We’ll have to have a do-over, maybe next weekend.
Year in Photos 