Robin may look a lot like Billy, but she feels a lot like me. I wish we could lift it out of her and set her free, but I know all too well that we can’t. This is her journey and all we can do is walk with her on it. I have loved and lost my mom, my family loved and almost lost me, and the thought of loving and losing Robin is unbearable. Desperation only adds fuel to the fire, so that burden is mine to deal with. In the meantime, I hope that just being beside her is enough.
Author: peanut7312
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February 12
Had a pretty decent day at work. It feels like work is taking over my life. Even though I log off on time, it’s all I think about. I feel very invested in it. I hope I can turn the program around the way I promised I would.
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February 11
This dog. He pants and nudges and begs to be let out and then we open the door and he does this. He sticks his head out the door and sniffs for like 5 or 10 minutes and then comes back inside. Why are dogs so weird? It was otherwise a decent day. I feel like my class at work is falling behind a little, or maybe I overloaded the schedule. I don’t think we are going to finish the first phase of training by Friday as planned. But on the flip side, I’ve made some changes to the curriculum materials that are vast improvements, so at least now what I’m teaching them is accurate. Better to be late and get it right than finish early and get it wrong. I still have SO many things to do before next week. This whole class I’ve been behind the 8 ball, just trying to keep up, and it’s led to some mistakes. I’m working through them, but I hate feeling this disorganized. It’s not a good look for a teacher. But it’s my first class, it’s still better than the last few classes (by a lot), so I’m trying to take deep breaths and give myself grace. The true test is seeing how they do when they graduate. Still many weeks to go before then, so there are many opportunities to get it more right. Sempre avanti – always moving forward.
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February 10
I don’t have much to say about today. I worked, I ate dinner, I took Christina to dance, I watched the Olympics. Nothing really exciting happened during any of those activities. I guess some days are like that.
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February 9
Went out to dinner tonight with Cindy and Molly. It’s always good to see them. Pinot was on fire today. He ate half my chocolate bar, which I’d been saving to eat last out of three bars I was given because it was my favorite flavor. Then he escaped the yard and had to be captured and returned by our neighbor, twice (he is now filthy from digging under the fence). And then he dumped a huge load of crap in the kids’ bathroom. It’s the Pinot trifecta. I seriously don’t know where we went wrong with him. Otherwise it was a decent day at work. I don’t feel as rushed or as far behind as last week, but I did spend hours and hours leading calls and it was exhausting. My voice is starting to give out from talking so much. I need to make these classes more interactive and have someone else read stuff once in a while. Or something. In any case, it was a pretty productive day. Now I’m tired.
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February 8
I went against my moral code and worked on a weekend. As much as it goes against my core values, I’m glad I did, because I got more done in three hours than I would have been able to do all week, and now I don’t have to stress about getting it done. We also scratched off a movie card (yes, now we have scratch-off movie cards too) and ended up watching Raiders of the Lost Ark while playing Mount Cleverest. And just because I have to brag, I completed this Sunday Times puzzle with only three mistakes. Maybe I have some of my mom’s crossword talent after all.
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February 7
Christina had a short competition where only her trio performed. They did so great! They earned a platinum award, first place overall, and a judges showmanship award. I’m so proud of them, even though it was an insanely long day. Definitely worth the long wait!
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February 6
There is so much that needs to be done by Monday and no working days to do it. I am adamantly opposed to working during off hours, but in this case, it’s more for my own sanity than anything else. I’ll just have to keep it moderated. It was otherwise a pretty boring day. Christina went back to school and dance and I did some reading. I’m currently reading The Warmth of Other Suns, which is incredibly eye-opening. I’m embarrassed by how little of this history I know, but I’m glad I’m learning it now. Even though Florida would probably rather I didn’t. Oh well, fuck you, Florida.
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February 5
It’s hard to believe it’s been 34 years since my dad died. The more time that passes, the more I realize how little I know about him. Like, I don’t know what his favorite flavor cake was. I think his favorite color was blue, but I’m not sure. He liked birds and drawing and he was a funny guy. I remember one year my mom went away for a weekend and Dad bought TV dinners and we watched football while we ate. I think it’s the only time I can remember Dad ever watching football. And I also remember how classically terrible that TV dinner was. But it’s still one of my favorite memories of Dad. That and playing with him in the snow. And riding the lawn mower with him. Ok, so there were some moments worth remembering. I just wish there had been more.
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February 4
Christina now has the flu. At least once she’s done with it, we’ll all be done with it. Sheesh. Work is still beating my butt, but I took this afternoon “off” (just canceled my meetings) and managed to mostly more or less catch up. I feel a little better tonight than I did yesterday. The soap on my office window seems to have helped. No birds flew into their own reflection today. That’s a relief. I guess that’s about it for today. Not too exciting.
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February 3
There has been a bluebird trying to fly into my office window for nearly a week now. She spent more than 20 minutes repeatedly flying into it this morning, chirping at it, and flying into it some more. I finally had to ask Google wtf she was doing and it told me that she was attacking her reflection in the window, defending a nesting site nearby. Which makes sense since we have two nesting boxes hanging on either side of my office window. Google went on to tell me that bluebirds are notorious for this behavior and will continue for hours a day and for weeks on end if left without intervention. It told me to do something to break up the reflection, so I soaped the outside of the window to leave a film over it and she immediately relaxed. I’m so relieved, because her anxiety was causing me anxiety. And, who knows, maybe in a couple months we’ll see some baby bluebirds out there.
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February 2
Finally back to work today, my first day teaching. It felt pretty good. I am woefully underprepared for this class, but we’re gonna get through it anyway. I blew my hair straight the other day because it was too cold to go out with wet hair. I liked it so much I did it again today. I even got a compliment on it. I don’t know how long I will have the patience for this, but, I can say that I’ve been shaving consistently for more than a year now and THAT is something. So there is hope.
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February 1
Busy day. Took the girls for haircuts. Robin went for a big change and it looks amazing on her. She was really happy with it, but didn’t want her picture taken, so we have this. Then we went food shopping and out to Target so Christina could buy some birthday gifts for her friends. We bought a cake on the way home, mostly because Billy asked for one, but also to celebrate Mom’s birthday. It was pretty yummy. I wish I could describe our parents to the kids in a way that they would appreciate, but the truth is it’s hard to get to know someone who’s already dead. It makes me sad that they’ll never know the special people who raised us. I’ll just have to pass on as much of their legacy as I can through my own actions and interpretations of the love they showed me. Hopefully some of it rubs off on them.
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January 31
Not quite feeling 100% yet, but I did get a lot done. Three loads of laundry washed, dried, folded, and put away, my first cup of coffee from Panera in over a week, cleaned the kitchen, designed, engraved, and hung my medal rack, fixed the keyboard issue on Robin’s iPad, did some coloring, did light food shopping, played Trivial Pursuit (and lost)… Hunkering down now for what will be a pretty cold night. Temps are expected to drop to the low 20s. The wind chill now is already 17 and it’s not even 10pm. These are facts, not complaints. As a New Yorker, I understand cold and this is not it. But it is unusually cold here this weekend, and unusual is always exciting. As long as it warms up again soon, because there’s a reason I now live in Florida and not New York, and this is not it.
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January 30
I feel like I have finally turned a corner on this flu. I made it out to pick up my new sunglasses and even worked half a day. It never felt so good to be at work. It feels so good to be alert again.
Year in Photos 