Today was the first session of the NAMI Family to Family class I am co-facilitating. It’s my third time teaching it. I forget how vulnerable these family members are, how raw and new it all is for them, how deep in crisis they had to be to get here. It’s been more than a decade since I was in a similar situation, and the pain of love is very real in that room. I don’t know if I do this program justice. I hope it helps. I feel very self-aware in that room, that anything I say could make or ruin someone’s day, week, year. I just go and do my best and hope I say something worth hearing. I wanted very much to do this and even now, almost ten years after my mom died, it’s still very hard to do. I’m beaten and battered and still facing a storm. But then I guess we’re all weathering this thing together. If nothing else, in that room, for those few hours, we are not alone.
Author: peanut7312
-
August 5
Christina had a birthday party to go to today, so I took Robin to go shopping for school clothes. As we were leaving the parking lot, I noticed a Subway across the street that I’d never noticed before and so Robin and I got a special mother-daughter lunch together. These are the little things I remember about my mom and I hope Robin appreciates the one on one time with me as much as I did with my mom. If not, well, maybe a sandwich is really just a sandwich. And I guess that’s ok too.
-
August 4
Life today was basically work and recovering from work. Billy didn’t sleep much today, so he slept through dinner all the way until he had to leave for work, so I really never saw him today. I’ve set time limits on the girls’ iPads and now they are doing all sorts of things to earn extra time – washing the car, cleaning out their closets, picking up dog poop in the yard… This new iPad thing might be a really good investment after all.
-
August 3
I didn’t get to have my birthday martini on my birthday, so we went out tonight and celebrated my mom on the anniversary of the day she died. A martini costs the same as a two-course entree and soft drink. The days have been getting away from me, but it’s important for me to remember. I wish there were no regrets, but my relationship with my mom is full of regret. Love and regret. But I raise a toast to her and the continued peace I hope she finally has.
-
August 2
Back to work today. I came back to an overwhelming backlog of work and really big looming deadlines. I don’t know if it’s possible to do all that has to be done without working a lot of extra hours. I’m so frustrated with what needs to be done and what is actually getting done. There is a big divide between those two things.
-
August 1
Drove home today and I am relieved to be back. It was a very difficult trip for me. I don’t think the kids will ever want to go hiking with me again. I killed them with mountains and heat and humidity and bugs and also mountains. I also really struggled to keep myself grounded. I spent the whole trip trying to make it special for everyone else, which only made me miserable because everyone else seemed to be miserable… which was obviously my fault since I am the resident orchestrator of happiness. I’m just glad it’s over and now I have to go back to the grind and hopefully find a way to bring back some joy for myself, if no one else.
-
July 31
There was a bit of a mental breakdown today. I have been trying to make everyone around me happy on this trip and it just hasn’t worked. Robin hated me for making her hike up two mountains, Billy didn’t seem to want to hike with us at all. I felt like I was bringing Siggi and Brett into drama they don’t need. I finally broke down at the end of the day when I didn’t understand the GPS and then I drove over a curb. It was ugly. But I stole this smile from Robin when she wasn’t paying attention and I’ll take it. Maybe she doesn’t hate me completely.
-
July 30
We went into Asheville today, which was a lot of driving for a hamburger and poking around in shops we have no business being in. It was a little disappointing. But we came home and made bouncy balls and grilled up some pesto pizza and Brett even got a modest fire going with some damp firewood so we could roast s’mores.
-
July 29
I hemmed and hawed and fretted over whether to take out the SUP and use it at Lake Santeetlah. I haven’t used it much and I’m not confident with it, plus there were a lot of people swimming where I wanted to paddle. I was so self conscious. But I did it (no thanks to the kind gentleman who tried to help with his electric pump but instead of inflating it pressed down the air valve so that after I had finished hand pumping it and I disconnected the pump, all the air shot out of it), and we had a lot of fun paddling around the lake. Robin was a little scared to be out by herself, but Christina paddled all over the place for almost an hour and even stood up a couple times. She was even kind enough to give me a turn, which was nice of her. The kids were just thrilled they didn’t have to hike anywhere today. We also introduced them to disc golf, but oh my god it was way too hot and humid. Thank goodness Brett suggested disc golf first so that we could cool off at the lake afterwards. Robin really liked it. Maybe we’ll get a couple discs and play when we get home too.
-
July 28
Today we went for a short hike up Black Balsam Bald. We watched a storm rolling in toward us for the whole hike and ALMOST made it back to the car without getting caught in it. What is a hike up a mountain without getting caught in the rain?
-
July 27
Another year older. We went on a short nearby hike to this waterfall, where the girls and Siggi and Brett went for a swim. We played my new board game that Siggi gave me for my birthday called Wingspan. I won! Then we went out for dinner at a stream-side restaurant in town with great pizza. Finished the day with chocolate cake and a candle found on top of the dining room cabinet. Not too bad.
-
July 26
Our latest adventure. Long day of driving followed by lots of trees, an outdoor deck, a hot tub, and the best friends a girl could have.
-
July 24
Billy finally got his car back today after hydroplaning over a month ago on June 17. We have gotten so used to living with just one car. It helps that I work at home and he works overnights. I am so glad I won’t have to drive the same car he did right after going to the gym (god that man sweats a lot when he works out, yuck). Or drive around with millions of water bottles and sunglasses all over the place, or change the radio station every time I get in the car, or close the windows and turn on the a/c (really, no a/c in 99-degree weather with 97% humidity?), or adjust the mirrors or the seat. In short, Billy’s not the only one happy he has his own car again. P.S. I sort of feel like these geese could be on their own Abbey Road album cover.
-
July 23
Here’s the end result of the bedroom door painting exercise. I didn’t love the idea of doing it in the first place, but the joy they got out of it made it worth it, and I love the creativity they put into it.
