I finished reading A Tale of Two Cities. I highly doubt that my 8th- or 9th- grade self would have appreciated this book at that time, but I really liked it now. I’m sad it took me this long to read it. Charles Dickens was really brilliant. I had no idea what it was about before I read it and it was kind of nice being surprised. Lots to think about.
Author: peanut7312
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August 20
I am going long days without doing things I should be doing for myself. I need to try to remember that two hours is enough time to go and look at water or to sit under a tree, even if it is 100 degrees outside. Even 15 minutes is worth it. I need to try harder. It’s important.
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August 19
We had planned on going to the pool this morning, but Robin’s body had other plans, so she asked to go roller skating instead. We were told she couldn’t skate along the wall and that slower skaters had to go in the middle of the floor. She was terrified and stood at the edge of the rink for almost 20 minutes in tears before she finally gathered the courage to give it a try. And she fucking did it. And the thing that melted my heart most of all is that her sister sat and waited with her without a single judging word until Robin was ready and then she held her hand while Robin made her way around the inner circle. They actually do love each other. I’m so proud of both of them.
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August 17
I took Robin to the doctor today and Robin told him she’d keep going to cheer, at least for now. My heart hurts for her. And I am just completely burned out. I am drowning in work and trying to keep the house afloat while Billy is at work and at football practice and at the gym. And I’m trying to keep up with church obligations and bills and returning texts and phone calls. I knit for an hour at night and read for 45 minutes in the morning and that’s all I get after pouring my heart into everything else. I have to cut back somewhere. I just don’t know where. Everything feels important. And I don’t know who can do it instead. But something’s going to break somewhere. I’ve got to decide what’s most important and put the rest to the side.
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August 16
I finally got a little bit out of my routine. I walked to school to pick up the kids, and I took Christina to buy sneakers, she having been told that the boots we just bought her wouldn’t cut it for gym. I don’t know if it helped much, but I guess it’s a step.
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August 15
Robin refused to go to her tumbling class, saying nothing more than she didn’t want to. There were a lot of tears, mostly my own. I’m not sure I ever cried in front of her before. She finally told me why, and now at least I know what to do next. I don’t know if it will work, but at least I’ll try. I ache for her.
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August 14
Today was the first day of school. It seemed to go pretty well. No one came home miserable, at least. Robin had a panic attack at cheer. She is feeling enormous pressure to do well on her team, which is both in her head and not in her head. I’m trying to help her build up more self confidence so that she can feel the pressure as a form of encouragement rather than criticism. I don’t want her to give up what she loves because she doesn’t feel she’s good enough. Of course she’s good enough. Now to get her to believe it.
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August 13
Christina is both excited and nervous for the first day of school. Probably more nervous than excited. Worried about where she’ll go when she gets to her classroom, whether she’ll have any friends in her class, whether she’ll ever see Kiley again… I tried my best to ease her mind, but you know how anxiety is. At least we have table-top curling to take our minds off things. She was a little exuberant with her stones. This one went flying across the room.
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August 12
Robin’s friend came over for a sleepover, so I felt it was good to spend some extra time with Christina. We went out for ice cream and played table-top curling. That’s right, table-top curling. I spend so much time with Robin because she really needs the extra support, but I need to be better about spending time with Christina too. I think a Christina date is in order soon.
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August 11
I need to find more time for myself to do things I enjoy. It has been so hot, though. I really can’t go out hiking. So I have been very listless. I have so much on my mind and I’m starting to avoid it and just block it out. Not sure that is the right approach. I think I’m blocking out everything.
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August 10
Tonight was teacher meet and greets at the kids’ school and boy did the kids run straight for Ms. LaTanya. And boy did she not just stop everything she was doing to embrace them. I’m sure there are lots of great schools out there, but I doubt if any of them could ever feel as much a part of our family as this one. Christina’s best friend isn’t in her class this year (oh the DEVASTATION), but she was off the walls crazy excited nonetheless. Robin’s BFF is in her class, so yay for that! She feels better now that she’s seen all her classrooms and met all her teachers, all of whom seem incredibly nice. They’re both excited for school to start. We’ll see what happens by this time next week.
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August 9
I did something today. Leaving it at that for now. I am full of self-doubt. As a parent, a wife, an employee, a human… How do you know if you’re helping your kids or wrecking them? How do you convey love when you keep doing stupid shit that seems to say otherwise? How do you keep the sink from filling with dirty dishes? How do you solve the world’s problems? Why do I just sit on the couch when I’m not working, instead of doing something productive? Tonight we went down the list: Daddy is an expert in the art of football, Christina is an expert in the art of dance, Robin is an expert in the art of cheer, and Mommy is an expert in the art of… and no one could come up with anything. That’s both sad and telling. Robin did eventually say I’m an expert in the art of loving, and I guess that’s at least a good sign on the parenting front. Better than nothing.
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August 8
I didn’t realize how addicted to the iPads the girls have become. They literally don’t know what to do with themselves without it and will do almost anything for a fix. Withdrawal is real – when I cut them off, they immediately started fighting – truly hurtful things were said. I did at least set this boundary today: no one gets any extra iPad time at all while I’m working. All accrued time will be reviewed and adjudicated after I’m done working. And now they need to look up the word adjudicate.
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August 7
I got a lot of work done today. I don’t say that too often. I also took a tiny little step forward today on something I’ve been thinking about for a very long time. It’s a step so tiny you almost can’t even see it, but it’s a step nonetheless. Now I will probably lie awake for the next three hours ruminating over it while I try to sleep.
