My day started out great and kind of slowly went downhill from there. It hasn’t been a bad day, it just went from great to meh very, very slowly. I woke up early and did a speed run outside, which I never do. I pretty much exclusively run on the treadmill. But this particular run didn’t work on the treadmill because the splits were too fast. It worked really well on the street. I finished feeling PUMPED UP. I had time to shower before work, which also left me energized, and then, well… work. It wasn’t a bad day by any means, but it slowly let the air out of my great mood. And now everyone else has gone to bed and I never really had a chance to be with them and I just feel kind of lonely and sad. I do think I need to do more outdoor running. That is going to require some creative scheduling. It’s not the first time I’ve had to shift things around, but it never feels easy when I do. For now, though, I think it’s time to call it a day. Lying in bed with my headphones on just feels like a nice way to end the day.
Author: peanut7312
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October 6
Working on some attitude adjustments today. Seems to be helping a little. I’ve been listening to Coach Bennett’s Podcast and I can’t get enough of it. I’ve lost so much hope in my running, and his podcast is helping me turn my mindset around. I find it inspiring for my day to day life, too. Celebrate ALL the successes, celebrate the weaknesses (because they’re great opportunities to build strengths), if you can’t do the run you want to do, do the run you can do… Lots to take in, and I feel like I need to listen to it nonstop for two straight weeks in order to counteract all the negativity in my head right now. But it is helping. And also it’s not just about running.
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October 5
I’m trying to turn my attitude around. I didn’t do much today, but I did do something. Got dishes and laundry done, went out for coffee, brought my photo site up to date, took Robin to the gym to play volleyball with her friend, went food shopping, made dinner. It would be easy to say I wasted the day because I didn’t do anything memorable, which is true, but I also didn’t sit around doing nothing. I feel moderately more positive than I did yesterday, and I’ll take it.
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October 4
Today was the fall festival at school. Every year it seems to get smaller and smaller. I have no right to complain because I have never offered to volunteer, and I know they can’t do much without help from parents. But there were a lot of people there and they seemed to be having fun, so I’d say small but successful. Other than that, today was incredibly boring. I am completely out of ideas for things to do. I’d say I’m open to suggestions, but honestly I’ve suggested many things to myself and turned them all down, so it’s as much my disinterest as it is a lack of imagination. We’ll see what we can come up with tomorrow.
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October 3
Today didn’t quite live up to expectations, but it’s ok, really, because expectations were kind of low anyway. My run this morning sucked. After a couple really great runs, I had gotten hopeful that I’d finally broken through the barrier, but today I just couldn’t do it. I finished feeling insanely disappointed. Crushed, really. I feel I have tried everything and I can find no plausible reason for my lack of progress and it just makes me miserable. I’m still not giving up. I’m just enjoying it less. The day kind of never went up from there. I did go out for a short hike before it rained, which was nice, and I should have enjoyed it, but instead it made me sad because I remember a time when we would have hiked as a family and all enjoyed it, but now no one would come with me even if I paid them each a hundred dollars. That special time I had with them is good and gone. And then I went to the mall to get a birthday present for Robin and maybe buy that dress, but as I wandered around, I felt more and more indecisive and less and less inspired and ended up coming home with nothing. I spent the rest of the day reading a book I only like a little bit. And that was my “vacation” day. I’m trying to think of a way to salvage something from it, but I think honestly the problem is my frame of mind, and my mind can be astoundingly unmovable and stubborn, even if you show it exactly what to do and how to do it and why, with piles of evidence proving how important it is. This has not been my reality for such a long, long time that I actually thought I’d never feel this way again. But here we are.
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October 2
I had the day off from work. I was disappointed that the weather didn’t hold out for paddling, so instead I went out for coffee and wrote for hours. As much as I love writing, it still felt like a waste of a day. I don’t know who will ever hear or read what I’m writing, so it feels kind of pointless. As does reading, which is just a way to pass time. It feels like everything I do is just a way to pass time. I’m not getting much out of it. Hence a long, long line of pretty shitty photos of basically nothing. I am not sure how to get out of this rut.
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October 1
Today I learned about the discovery of phosphorous. Apparently there was a scientist (or maybe more accurately an alchemist) who believed you could produce gold from human urine. So he gathered up 50 bucketfuls of people’s pee in his basement and did some stuff to it until eventually it became this gummy paste that to his surprise had a curious glow to it. Not only that, but in sunlight, it actually caught fire! Businesspeople were thrilled with the discovery, but it was (clearly) quite difficult to produce. This actually ended up working well for the scientist, though, because that meant its value was actually HIGHER than gold. So just think about that the next time someone tells you you’re pissing your life away.
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September 30
I am working on developing a training deck of staggering genius at work. I’m quite positively obsessed with it. I wake up in the middle of the night writing pieces of it in my sleep. It teaches using practical examples and hands-on activities. Best of all, it’s ACCURATE. And yes, I’m being a little tongue-in-cheek here, but really, I’m proud of the effort. I really do think this will help reviewers succeed in a way that our outdated, lecture-style materials just never could. I’ve completed 1.5 of the 25 total modules, but folks, Rome wasn’t built in a day. And yes, I realize this makes me a total nerd. I cannot deny it. I can think of worse things.
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September 29
Today was a day of tedious, mind-numbing activities like sending 43 emails with QA results to our team, completing 10 trainings (bringing my total to 20 and leaving 12 to go), and tying up a lot of loose ends at work. I did, however, have a great run this morning – a 20-minute easy run that was actually easy, for the first time ever. This made me ecstatically happy. All in all, not too shabby.
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September 28
Today was a pretty good day. Christina and I made it out for a paddle and I got to try out my new air compressor. It was sweet! Not to leave Robin out, who hates paddling, we later went to the mall. As a joke, I tried on an absolutely absurd-looking dress. But to my surprise, it looked good on me. I ended up leaving it on the rack because I have absolutely nowhere to wear a slinky shimmery gold dress in Jacksonville, but I keep thinking about it. Robin also tried on a mildly inappropriate dress that she ended up buying, even though SHE has nowhere to wear it, and she hasn’t taken it off since. Maybe wearing the dress isn’t about whether other people see it, or even how i look in it, but about how I feel when I wear it. Maybe I’ll go back for it. Maybe…
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September 27
We did another scratch-off activity today and visited the Alligator Farm in Saint Augustine. The girls and I have been there before, but Billy hasn’t. It was pretty fun. This shot is of Maximo, their 15-foot 9+ inch crocodile, who was hungry for chicken today. They only get fed once a week, so we lucked out getting to see it. Christina is still fascinated by Gomek, who is a 17+ foot crocodile who died at the farm in 1997 and remains in the Guinness Book of World Records for largest crocodile ever. They still have a room set up in his honor, and it’s pretty cool to see. The bonus points for this activity was to do the zip line tour, but everyone passed on it. Christina was going to do it with me until she learned you have to wear lace-up shoes to do it. Apparently hers are still wet from walking home in the rain on Thursday. Oh well. Maybe next time.
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September 26
Grateful for Friday. I am so tired. I have such a hard time getting this one medication every month, and this month it was delayed by a whole week. It leaves me completely wiped out without it. Luckily it came in today. Finally.
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September 25
Made it home at last. I didn’t want to go, and I’m so thankful to be back, as important and successful as the trip was. I listened to running and history podcasts most of the way home, which made the time pass quickly. After I got home, I tried to pick Christina up from school in a rainstorm, but she didn’t recognize my new car or hear me screaming her name, so she walked 90% of the way home before I finally got her into the car. Then was dance and then we went to Salento for dinner, which was delicious. And now I’ve finished reading Beloved, which was just such a sad story, which is such an incomplete assessment of the book it’s almost shameful. I am ready for bed.
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September 24
Our team building activity this week was a cooking class/demonstration with Chef Baba. Chef Baba is a character. We made penne a la vodka, pizza, and bananas foster. It was fun, but oh, so very hot. I don’t think it was air conditioned. Also it smelled like something caught fire at some point. But the food was pretty good, and it was entertaining. Now time to go home. I actually can’t wait.
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September 23
Another long, exhausting day. I’m spending a lot of time meeting with people in different roles, getting a lot of new perspective on what I do and how it fits into the larger organization. Even though not directly tied to what I’m doing, it’s been hugely beneficial, so a worthwhile trip. Went to dinner with the leadership team, which was nice but long. By then I was exhausted and just wanted to talk to my family and go to bed. Which I will do now.
