My new phone finally arrived and this is the dumb photo I managed to take with it. It took me hours and hours to set everything up and I just never had a chance to properly play. Still, I like that you can use the portrait mode on selfies now. I’ll have to play around with it some more.
Tag: caitlin
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September 3
Another 11:55pm shot just to get one in. It was a busy day. Church, then I broke our one-year-old dishwasher. That kind of ruined my day, and then there was my NAMI class, driving Robin to her friend’s house, and a 7:30pm dinner. Almost no time to breathe. So this is the shot we got.
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August 20
I am going long days without doing things I should be doing for myself. I need to try to remember that two hours is enough time to go and look at water or to sit under a tree, even if it is 100 degrees outside. Even 15 minutes is worth it. I need to try harder. It’s important.
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August 19
We had planned on going to the pool this morning, but Robin’s body had other plans, so she asked to go roller skating instead. We were told she couldn’t skate along the wall and that slower skaters had to go in the middle of the floor. She was terrified and stood at the edge of the rink for almost 20 minutes in tears before she finally gathered the courage to give it a try. And she fucking did it. And the thing that melted my heart most of all is that her sister sat and waited with her without a single judging word until Robin was ready and then she held her hand while Robin made her way around the inner circle. They actually do love each other. I’m so proud of both of them.
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August 12
Robin’s friend came over for a sleepover, so I felt it was good to spend some extra time with Christina. We went out for ice cream and played table-top curling. That’s right, table-top curling. I spend so much time with Robin because she really needs the extra support, but I need to be better about spending time with Christina too. I think a Christina date is in order soon.
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August 11
I need to find more time for myself to do things I enjoy. It has been so hot, though. I really can’t go out hiking. So I have been very listless. I have so much on my mind and I’m starting to avoid it and just block it out. Not sure that is the right approach. I think I’m blocking out everything.
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August 7
I got a lot of work done today. I don’t say that too often. I also took a tiny little step forward today on something I’ve been thinking about for a very long time. It’s a step so tiny you almost can’t even see it, but it’s a step nonetheless. Now I will probably lie awake for the next three hours ruminating over it while I try to sleep.
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August 1
Drove home today and I am relieved to be back. It was a very difficult trip for me. I don’t think the kids will ever want to go hiking with me again. I killed them with mountains and heat and humidity and bugs and also mountains. I also really struggled to keep myself grounded. I spent the whole trip trying to make it special for everyone else, which only made me miserable because everyone else seemed to be miserable… which was obviously my fault since I am the resident orchestrator of happiness. I’m just glad it’s over and now I have to go back to the grind and hopefully find a way to bring back some joy for myself, if no one else.
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July 31
There was a bit of a mental breakdown today. I have been trying to make everyone around me happy on this trip and it just hasn’t worked. Robin hated me for making her hike up two mountains, Billy didn’t seem to want to hike with us at all. I felt like I was bringing Siggi and Brett into drama they don’t need. I finally broke down at the end of the day when I didn’t understand the GPS and then I drove over a curb. It was ugly. But I stole this smile from Robin when she wasn’t paying attention and I’ll take it. Maybe she doesn’t hate me completely.
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July 21
I did this today. I asked the stylist to cut at least four inches off, which she 110% did not even come close to doing. It’s like she just got tired of working on it. She snipped next to nothing. Also I thought she rushed the coloring. I think the color would have been more vivid if she’d let it set a little longer. Not thrilled with it, but I do like it. The kids love it and now they want to get their hair colored. If it didn’t cost $350, then maybe I would. It sucks not being rich.
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July 20
I have a lot to think over in the next few weeks. Trying not to get too overwhelmed. Grateful for my closest friends. And Pinot, who manages to find all the places.
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July 10
Back to work today. I already feel like I am way behind and can’t catch up. I’m also insanely exhausted.
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June 21
Time is slipping me by. I have had very little of it for myself, and when I do, I don’t know what to do with myself. I end up staring in space, running through lists of things I could do to fill up time, never actually doing anything. I need to do something replenishing, and soon. I’m fading into the ether, losing touch. Nothing feels right.
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June 12
My brain isn’t quite functioning at full capacity, but on the flip side, I am covered in living, loving creatures.
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June 7
So much is up in the air. One choice just leads to another one, and none of the options feel great.
