I don’t regret my career decision late last year to take on this training role, but I very clearly did not anticipate the level of challenge I’ve faced over the last three months. Everything from scheduling pressures to insufficient content design to poor trainee performance to judgment from the leadership team to a complete unwillingness to change the operating model that clearly isn’t working. I didn’t anticipate feeling like such a complete failure after so short a time with little to no hope for a way out. I’m disappointed by selfish motives and closed minds. If I hear one more person say, well, this other person did it this way ten years ago and it worked fine, I may lose my bananas. This job has me feeling a range of emotions that I’m not used to feeling every day. I’m frustrated but up for the challenge. I just wish I had some better outlets to blow off steam than doing NYT crossword puzzles, knitting, and rifling through music in the dance studio parking lot. Right now there’s no balance and that’s no good. This patio project I’m starting will either give me the personal lift I need or crush me even further into despair. How’s THAT for pressure? Do I ever learn anything?
Author: peanut7312
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April 13
Billy and I got married 18 years ago today. Christina had dance right at dinnertime (naturally), so we went out for lunch instead. Not the most romantic anniversary ever, but we’re not the best at romance. Or, I’ll just be blunt: Billy is not the best at romance. He thinks dirty socks and butter boxes sealed with Elmer’s glue make good wrapping paper. It was a nice lunch, though. We went to Canopy Road for brunch and we got a lot of things off our chest. Luckily we only complained about people other than each other. That to me is a very productive date. Who needs romance?
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April 12
Day two of dance competition was a lot easier than day one. I got to watch the production piece from backstage because I carried a table onstage. They won a golden egg! Christina’s pieces didn’t do as well at competition this year as they did last year and I think she was disappointed. I’m proud of her anyway. She puts her whole heart into it and it shows. It’s almost worth the 16 hours I spent there to watch her four dances. Nah, it was definitely worth it. Love this kid.
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April 11
Christina had a dance competition today. It was a very long day – we left home at 12:45 and got home at 9:45, with no time for lunch or dinner. Christina looked great, though! It was the last time she’ll perform her trio. Big smiles on their faces! They won a judge’s choice award for electric energy, and they deserved it. That’s impressive after being there for nine hours. Proud of our girl!
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April 10
Today frankly sucked. I just feel so inept. My training redesign was summarily rejected, my class is failing, and their leaders are pointing at me for their failure. I just want to give up. I’ve let everyone down, especially myself. I need to do something to lift my spirits, but it’s almost 10pm and I’m too depressed to think of anything positive to do. I can’t even focus on my crossword puzzle. I should just go to bed and hope I wake up feeling better.
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April 9
I’m going to have to do a lot of ground leveling for this patio project, which I realized as I was grilling cheeseburgers. Luckily I will have lots of fill. As I wait for the materials to arrive, I’ve been creating a hard labor playlist on Spotify, which has been fun. I haven’t made a playlist in forever. I love discovering new music. Reminds me of this dream I had the other day where someone asked me to make them a mix tape, actually on a tape. So I had to start thinking about where I was going to find a tape recorder, and a CD player, and then I would need CDs too… And then I realized I had a turntable, so maybe I didn’t need CDs, except I didn’t have any records either. It was a dilemma. Spotify makes this all so much easier.
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April 8
I got up early to go for a run, but it turns out I am not hardcore enough to run in the rain and wind. I ended up surfing Spotify for an hour instead. Tomorrow should be drier. Otherwise feeling pretty caught up at work for the first time in months and I don’t know what to do with myself! I’m putting the extra time into finding ways to never let this happen again. So far so good. Otherwise it was dance and gymnastics and McDonald’s on the way home. The Yankees lost. I guess they’re allowed to lose sometimes. I guess. It’s time for bed, yo.
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April 7
I was having a decent day until I went to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription for Jackson that I dropped off yesterday only to find, after waiting in line for 15 minutes, that they had no record of the prescription at all. They lost it. So now I have to go back to the vet to get another copy of it, drop it off AGAIN, wait for them to (hopefully) fill it, then go back for a fourth time to (hopefully) pick it up. I am so angry. I shouldn’t let Walgreens ruin my day, but lately I have been letting little things get to me more than usual. I think it may be that I’m overtired or that I don’t have enough going on to balance out the bullshit, but it’s exhausting always being angry at everything. Especially since I can’t do anything about it. I need to go to sleep.
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April 6
Today was just annoying. Idiotic things got to me and I got a headache. I took a short nap and it went away, but now I’m just exhausted and all I want is ice cream and beer. I settled for two Starbursts and pajamas. I can’t wait to go to bed.
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April 5
I bought the bulk of the supplies today that I need to do the patio project. After taking measurements, my brain nearly exploded. Let’s just say this is no longer a $500 project. And also that I am expecting a 2-ton delivery of supplies next week. That I will have to move from the driveway to the backyard. By myself. I am doing this, I guess. I know I’m crazy, but I’m excited. It is going to be seriously hard work that is going to go on a long time, and I know I’m probably underestimating the work. But that last can of Intuition I-10 is going to taste so good next to that fire pit when it’s all done. I’m all in now.
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April 4
Since Billy and Colleen both have to work on Easter, we celebrated Easter Saturday this year. There were a few minor glitches, like the time when Robin took an enormous bite out of the bunny cake before we’d even frosted it and I went crazy because omg now the bunny has only half a head! That ruined it for Robin and she halfheartedly threw some frosting on it before going to her room. Christina and I did our best to fix it and it came out pretty good, but I was sad that my initial reaction killed the Easter Bunny for Robin. But the baskets went over well. The wildcard item was these little $6 ear cuffs for Robin that I wasn’t sure she would be into, but they were the biggest hit. She cried when she thought she lost two of them (luckily we found them). She wore them on her ears and septum and honestly, it looked pretty good on her. Christina got a Squishmallow and bunny slime and well, that works for Christina. Dinner was delicious. I had bought a different kind of ham than we usually get because, well, I didn’t know what we usually get, but Billy of course did awesome with it, and I think it even tasted better this way. Christina made the mashed potatoes and did an awesome job on them! There was good conversation, and it was just great to see everyone. Not too shabby.
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April 3
Since Billy and his sister have to work on Easter Sunday, we are celebrating tomorrow, which means coloring Easter eggs tonight. We tried marbling this year, but it didn’t work very well. It wasn’t for lack of trying. We also finally put our Christmas tree out on the curb for pickup today. Seems kind of poetic, putting up the tree for Christ’s birth, and putting it on the curb for his death. We can almost pass it off as intentional.
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April 2
My proposal went over well this morning, which was a great way to start my day. There is hope on the horizon. For some reason I am exhausted and have a headache tonight. Think I’ll go to bed early.
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April 1
I felt pretty proud of myself today. My stroke of brilliance yesterday held up to a good night’s sleep and seems even stronger today. Fixing things makes me so happy. You know what else makes me happy? Watching Robin do gymnastics. She hangs in there with those seven-year-olds. There is one little girl in her class who is absolutely terrible at gymnastics, but she puts her whole heart into it and she never stopped smiling once during that entire class. I love Robin, but that little girl was a joy to watch. And as it turns out, Robin isn’t the best one in her class on beam. So maybe it won’t be as boring as she thought.
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March 31
Before I even started work today, I went for a run, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen, took the kids to school, and went to the gym. And then when I got to work, I solved all my problems of the last few months in a moment of sheer enlightenment. (Modesty becomes me.) I will just have to make it through the rest of this class, which I hope will only be a couple more weeks. With luck, I may get my life back soon, and people will love me for it, too.
Year in Photos 