August 22

I love this wall. Every time I look at it, I see something different. And even though I’ve seen all the photos many times, they evoke different emotions each time. Tonight I looked at pictures of Robin smiling, genuinely smiling, and I find myself wondering if I’ll ever see that smile again. Today she was moody and grumpy all day, wouldn’t speak to anyone, wouldn’t come out of her room, and I don’t know why. I hate that my moods are so inextricably tied to her moods, but it is seeded in a deep and desperate fear that I am going to lose her. If not physically, then emotionally. I have never loved anyone or anything as much as I love Robin and Christina, and the thought of losing her… I truly don’t think I could move on from it. Which makes me think of what I did to my mom, and the guilt starts pouring in. So of course I’m desperate for Robin to be happy. My existence is latched to it. It’s not fair to either of us, but I don’t know how to break the loop. I am dying inside.