Spent the evening feeling kind of down. Something happened at dinner that turned Robin’s good mood suddenly sour, and when I asked her what happened, Billy kind of scolded me, saying she won’t answer if I keep nagging her. So I felt shut down by Robin and shut up by Billy. I’ve been having a hard time picking myself back up from it, which is silly because it was really a little thing, but it stung. Now Robin is sleeping next to me and I feel about 2% better. I still wish I knew what the fuck she was thinking about at dinner. But at least she likes me enough to sleep next to me.
Tag: robin
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October 23
I am fascinated with Robin’s nail designs and what goes into them. It’s so intricate and nuanced. She’s incredibly frustrated when something doesn’t work the way she wants it to – all my children definitely lack patience – but sometimes I can help her find enough hope to try again. That’s where we are tonight, but it is a delicate situation that could either lead to certain doom or to vindication and glory. I’ve witnessed both and I’m sure you can guess which one I’m praying for tonight.
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October 12
Robin turned 14 today, and I’m pretty sure she had an epic birthday. She met her friends Chloe and Faith at the mall for some shopping, and then we took them all to Olive Garden for dinner. Robin hasn’t stopped smiling all day. She is crazy into press-on nails, so Billy and I got her supplies so she can design and make her own. I am just so happy to see her so happy. There were days not that long ago that made days like this seem impossible. 14 years of a Robin-filled existence. We could not be any luckier.
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September 14
Robin asked to go to the playground, so… why not? It was a gorgeous day. We ate dinner on the patio, then went out for ice cream and to the Game Haus, where we tried out a few new games. We had a lot of fun, but now I have a headache. It has been a stressful weekend for me. Hoping a good night’s sleep does some good.
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September 10
I made the mistake of looking at the training materials we are using at work. Cannot unsee! My colleague suggested I trash it and ask ChatGPT to rewrite it for me. Man, I don’t know what it is, but I hate the idea of being shown up by AI. But… we’ll see what it can do.
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September 1
I’m a little sad after our trip. I wish I felt closer to Rob and his family. I felt comfortable with them all weekend, more than I expected, but since coming home, all I can think of is them talking about me and how fucked up my kids and I are. I can’t help comparing myself to him and feeling like I don’t measure up. He has money and a beautiful wife and happy children and the passion to follow an impossible dream with unending confidence. I don’t know what it is that I think I have to prove to him or anyone, or why I should feel ashamed of my Jimi Hendrix muscle shirt or the fucking fact that I wear glasses. (Seriously, this is something I felt was a defect he’d judge.) It comes from an old hurt I’ve felt for many, many years. I never felt I compared to Rob. He always had friends and made funnier movies than me and told better stories. People always just liked him better. But I love this picture, and I love him whether he appreciates it or not. I backed away from Mom out of fear and I live with that regret every day. I do not want the same regrets with Rob. I guess he’s stuck with me and my Hendrix shirt and my kids who won’t talk to him and my couch with three legs and the Maltese who shits in the house. He could do worse.
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August 31
We had a great day with Rob and his family. We walked around downtown Greenville and had lunch, then went to the pool (brrrr… but Bobby had so much fun swimming back and forth across the entire length of the pool for close to an hour), played with bubbles, had dinner, played Hungry Hungry Hippos, and called it a night. There was a moment at the pool where everyone (well, almost everyone) was in the water playing and I thought about how much Mom would have loved to be there. This, I think, was her dream, and I so regret that we couldn’t make it happen for her. But… I’m glad we made the dream happen anyway, even if she wasn’t here to enjoy it, because it HAS been special. And honestly it has taken too long to make it happen. It’s time to do better.
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August 27
I’m getting a little better with the beadwork, though I still have a ways to go. The beads I have are not uniform in size, so making a pattern work well is pretty much impossible. But I learned about the difference between threads and the kinds of tools to use, and these earrings hold up much better than the first pair I made. I want to make more!
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August 14
I had a pretty shitty run this morning. The goal was to run 5k. I ran that distance pretty easily last week with just one break, so I thought I would get through it no problem. It was SO HARD. I stopped three times to walk and I was dizzy for like 15 minutes afterwards. I don’t understand what happened. My last run was harder than this and it felt so much easier. My first reaction was utter disappointment and bewilderment. I failed and I didn’t know why. But in thinking about it more, I didn’t fail. I ran. I finished the 5k. I finished strong and I couldn’t have run any harder. Even shitty runs are still runs. So I’ll just acknowledge this one and move on. There will be other runs to conquer and many more opportunities to slay. I’m learning so much about myself through this process and I’m proud. Pride is motivation and motivation is progress. I will take it.
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August 12
We had a little more luck finding ice cream tonight than we did last night. I regret eating mine… it was just a little too much. Still, a nice reason to get out of the house.
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August 6
The beach on the island was beautiful. The water was perfect. We sat in the water watching a storm roll in for hours and almost made it back to the mainland before the skies opened up on us. We ended up spending the afternoon in our room, but we did manage to have some s’mores by the fire pit before it started raining again. I am so glad Billy talked me into saying yes to this trip. I only wish he was here with us too. He’s been having kind of a shitty week… every football practice this week has been ruined by lightning and they have yet to get on the field. Pretty soon we’ll be back to commiserate. But until then, pool and turquoise water it will have to be.
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August 4
Left work feeling stressed, and then felt stressed about making dinner and packing for our trip to Bonita Springs tomorrow, but somewhere along the way, I relaxed and it ended up being a pretty good night. Even if the Yankees can’t do anything right.
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August 2
Today we spent the afternoon helping inspect and sort food donations with Feeding Northeast Florida. After all of the amazing things we have been privileged to do lately, it felt like something we had to pay forward. It was a fulfilling experience, and I can’t wait to sign up again.
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July 4
We made it through Atlanta without getting stuck in any traffic, which is a July 4 miracle. This, just as we were saying we’d never travel over the Fourth of July again because everything is closed on the Fourth of July. There was a yarn shop and a chocolatier we wanted to stop at before leaving Nashville, but both were closed for the holiday. So be it, here we are, just south of Atlanta, where Christina just beat Billy’s and my butts at Five Crowns and we made our trip official by watching a Harry Potter movie on the hotel TV. I’m looking forward to getting back to the dogs tomorrow, food shopping, and about 200 loads of laundry. But it was a good trip. Good to get away.
Year in Photos 