Today was a LOT better than any day in the last two-plus weeks. I am so relieved. I have no idea what changed. I guess it doesn’t really matter.
Category: May 2023
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May 15
The endless anxiety continues. I flaked on booking our summer camping reservations at Acadia and now there’s nothing available. That’s not helping my mood. Trying Natural Calm and taking walks outside with the dogs. Been editing photos from a shoot with the cheer team a week or so ago. I’m glad to have an outlet.
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May 14
The team came in second place by 0.1 point. Had they not had that one deduction, they would not only have won their division, but their entire level. What a difference from the start of the season. Also Robin did so well on her end of year testing at school. So freaking proud of my kids.
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May 13
The girls did so great at their competition today. The coach said they scored over 90, which is way above their previous high score. It’s still quite low compared to their competition, but they’ve come from a score in the 60s at the start of the season to here, and that is a really big deal.
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May 12
Another cheer weekend. There is so much swimming in my head and I don’t know how to let any of it out. Nothing makes sense. Need sleep.
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May 11
At dinner tonight, Billy asked Robin to name the main types of rocks and she listed off: igneous, sediment, and Dwayne Johnson.
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May 10
I decided to go to the park while the girls were at cheer practice, thinking I’d read under a tree, but then I thought why not a short hike? I figured I’d be done in 45 minutes, well before sunset and when I’d have to leave to get the kids. Except I miscalculated the distance. I did two trails which I thought were a mile and a half combined. Actually it was a mile and a half for one trail and three quarters of a mile for the other. I had dawdled at the beginning thinking I had tons of time, but the last 20 minutes were rather speedy. I’m glad Christina wasn’t with me, because she would have freaked about hiking in the dark. Who knows what lurks in the shadows?
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May 9
My stomach unclenched for the first time in over a week today. It’s the first time I felt hungry since last Monday. It hasn’t been consistent, but it’s the first bit of relief I’ve had in what feels like forever. Also today: I spent 40 minutes in line to pick up a prescription from Walgreen’s. That was time I had been planning to spend outside watching the sun set. Whyyyyyy?
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May 8
Oh my god the last week has felt interminably impossible. I really thought today would turn the tide, but there’s been no relief at all. Anxiety has its hooks deep in my heart and stomach and lungs and it’s literally painful. Eating hurts, breathing hurts. I’m ready for a break.
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May 7
It turned out to be a good trip. I made a kick-ass fire and sat watching it until almost midnight. And then we did some hiking along the river. We saw a couple of bunnies on the trail, too. The weather was perfect, no bugs. I’m glad we did it.
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May 6
I got a call on Friday night while we were sitting at dinner saying that we hadn’t shown up for our camping reservation, so here’s the gate code so you can get in after hours. I thought I had cancelled that reservation months ago. My first inclination was to go ahead and cancel the second night. We hadn’t planned on it, Billy had to work… But then I thought, why not? So we did.
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May 5
It was another tough day, so I took everyone out to eat, trying to get myself out of my head. Christina was in top form. She wriggled and danced and was absolutely silly the entire time. Good for taking my mind off things. Also I had pizza.
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May 3
Today was better than yesterday, but that wasn’t hard to accomplish. I took another day off from work and went to the river. It was very choppy with the wind and I stared at it for a long time thinking about what to do next. In the end I talked myself into asking for help, something I rarely do. Now I just have to keep my nerve and follow through.
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May 2
I had a total meltdown yesterday. It came out of nowhere. Somehow I managed to steer myself to the park for half an hour. Not sure it made a big difference, but at least I tried. Maybe a small difference is ok.
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