August 24

I was angry at Robin, but now I’m sad because I can see that a lot of her behavior stems from her own sadness and helplessness. She doesn’t know what to do because nothing she does makes her happy. And in the midst of not being able to find joy in her life, Billy and I yell at her for things she already hates herself for. Not eating, not taking care of her teeth, spending too much time on her phone, spending too much time alone in her room. They’re symptoms of something else, not something to write off as “teenager.” I am sad as hell because I don’t know how to help her. I feel like the more I try to help, the more I push her away. And then I get angry because I feel like she hates me, when all I’m trying to do is love her. I am genuinely afraid of losing her to depression. I feel like it’s my fault, that I should never have let it get to this point, that I should have saved her, that I had so many opportunities over the years and failed. And it’s not really about me, but it kind of is, because I’m part of the relationship too. And Billy, and Christina. There must be hope somewhere.