April 22

I started running again last fall. I thought that, like other times I have gotten into running, progress would come easily over time. These last four months or so have proved me very, very wrong. I thought that by now, completing a 5k would feel relatively easy, or at least POSSIBLE. I have a race coming up this weekend and I learned that the course goes over a bridge, twice. The thought of running uphill – twice – AND completing a 5k at the same time makes me want to cry. At my last 5k, running in spurts of three minutes at a time on flat ground felt like I was roasting on a slow spit of eternal damnation. ETERNAL. But I keep trying. I reset back a bit on my Couch to 5k program and today was my first long run in several weeks – the goal was 22 minutes. I finished 20. How could I not finish those last two minutes?? But also, how did I manage to run for a full 20 minutes without stopping?? It feels miraculous. It’s not the first time I’ve managed 20 minutes in the last couple of months, but it’s the first time I’ve done it since I started regularly giving in to the mental fatigue before I even got on the treadmill. Today I am Leonardo DiCaprio at the bow of the Titanic shouting, “I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD!” And yes, I know the Titanic sank and he drowned, but goddamn it, he was happy as hell in that moment with Kate Winslet in his arms. And even if I go down with the ship tomorrow, I fucking won today. Yes sir, yes, I did.